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Why Some People Just Can't 'Shake It Off'

Why Some People Just Can't 'Shake It Off'


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Missed connections, cold shoulders, passive-aggression, bullying — like Taylor Swift says, just shake it off. But that doesn’t come easy to everyone. Maybe you experience the pain of social rejection differently.

According to a new study published in the journal Molecular Psychiatry, people suffering from depression may have a more difficult time dealing with social rejection. In fact, researchers found that brain cells produce fewer natural opioids, which reduce pain and stress, in those with untreated depression.

“Every day we experience positive and negative social interactions. Our findings suggest that a depressed person’s ability to regulate emotions during these interactions is compromised, potentially because of an altered opioid system. This may be one reason for depression’s tendency to linger or return, especially in a negative social environment,” the study’s lead author, David Hsu, Ph.D., told ScienceDaily.

Did you ever meet a person who liked to flirt? Some of them are extroverts and they don’t even seem to realize they’re doing it. Others say they flirt for sport or practice. I always found that strange. “Aren’t you afraid you’re going to get hurt?” I ask.

“We hardly know each other. It’s harmless,” they say.

I once had a friend who said she has “a crush on everyone in the world.” This was her way of saying that she is interested in meeting new people and seeing what makes them tick.

I’ve often said that I don’t get crushes. I avoid getting the butterflies because I learned in high school that I just couldn’t stand the pain of rejection. I thought it had to do with self-esteem. Maybe it was so low that my ego couldn’t take a blow without landing me in a state of depression.

I had a stunning lack of self-confidence. Perhaps I just didn’t want to compete.

Maybe it was my pessimism. “If I don’t try, I can’t fail.”

As someone who struggles with depression, maybe it was the fact that I had experienced social rejection before and felt that pain in such a way that others do not.

The study also found that depressed participants experienced happiness when they were socially accepted, which surprised researchers because dulled response to positive events is a common symptom. However, those positive feelings quickly dissipated for the depressed participants, unlike non-depressed counterparts.

I can see myself very clearly in that boat. I have a tendency to focus on the negative. It’s only natural. It’s called negativity bias and it was great at keeping cavepeople from becoming prehistoric prey. But when all you remember from your 2005 trip to Florida was your car overheating and waiting two hours for a tow, negativity bias isn’t serving you at all.

What came first: my depression or my inability to shake it off? I can’t be sure. But I have learned a few gems for handling social rejection.

This is where my favorite of the Four Agreements comes into play: Don’t take anything personally. As don Miguel Ruiz writes:

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Shame from social rejection stems from feeling we’ve done something wrong. If we weren’t flawed, we wouldn’t have been rejected. The problem with this is that it presumes the other person knows us wholly and fully. This person hasn’t made a full-scale rejection of all that you are, your inner truth and beauty.

There are virtually endless reasons why a person would choose not to pursue a connection with another person. If you think about it, there has to have been at least one time you walked away from a potential relationship.

In the end, you can’t blame yourself for trying, because it’s trying and failing that holds the key to success.


What Causes Old People to Shake?

Many older people experience shakiness or tremors that get worse with age. If the question why old people shake is lingering in your mind and you think it is because of changes in the body&rsquos physiological functions or changes caused by medicines, you have a point. But there are other reasons why old people have these tremors. These include dysfunctions in the brain and nervous system. In most cases, tests are necessary to ascertain the exact cause of the tremors.

Why Do Old People Shake and How to Treat?

1. Physiologic Tremor

Physiological tremor is a normal kind of shakiness that affects most people. It is involuntary shaking of the muscles or limbs caused by physical or physiological processes. In a typical situation, the tremors represent the normal rhythmical control of muscles by the central nervous system.

  • Slight tremors on the hands. The shaking can also occur in the arms and other muscle groups.
  • Tremor when pointing at a particular object. This kind of shaking usually has specific movements that a doctor can easily recognize.

Enhanced Physiologic Tremor

These rhythmical movements are multiplied in old age. The condition is known as enhanced physiological tremor, and it is caused by:

  • Stress, anxiety, and depression
  • Fatigue and sleep deprivation
  • Certain medicines

Treatment of physiological tremors will depend mostly on the underlying cause of the tremor which is established by a medical practitioner.

2. Drug-Induced Tremors

Drugs that affect the central nervous system usually cause shakiness as described above.

Medications that cause such symptoms include:

  • Prescription drugs &ndash Mood disorder drugs such as lithium and antipsychotic drugs
  • Antidepressants
  • Corticosteroids
  • Asthma medication
  • Side-effects from overusing drugs that repress the central nervous system
  • Withdrawal symptoms from alcohol and nicotine
  • Drugs such as cocaine which can permanently damage the CNS and cause the tremors

The best way to treat drug-induced tremors in old people is to reduce the dosage of the specific medicines that cause the condition. If the tremor is as a result of drug abuse, then a treatment program to address substance abuse is required.

3. Systemic Disease-Induced Tremors

Some diseases in the older adults affect the peripheral nervous system and the brain. This causes tremors and shaking. These conditions also cause enhanced tremors.

  • Hypoglycemia and diabetes
  • Metal poisoning such as lead or mercury
  • Liver and kidney disease
  • Overactive parathyroid gland
  • Physical therapy to help the older adult to coordinate their limbs much better
  • Treatment of the medical problem causing the shakiness

4. Essential Tremor

This is another answer to the question "Why do old people shake?" Essential tremor is pathologic shaking that affects many people over the age of 40 years. The apparent cause of the tremor is unknown, but in some, it has been found to be genetic. Essential tremors can be confused with Parkinson&rsquos disease. The main difference between the two is that the former is a lot less limiting than the latter.

  • Tremors in the hands can spread to the head and voice.
  • Tremors can be seen when the arms are outstretched or when pointing or nodding.
  • The symptoms can gradually develop and affect daily routine chores such as knitting, writing and even eating.

Treatment of essential tremor is not a must if the symptoms are not bothersome. In cases where treatment is needed, the following is recommended:

  • Tranquilizers such as Xanax
  • Anti-seizure medicine
  • High blood pressure medicine
  • Deep brain stimulation (DPS) of the thalamus with electrodes

5. Parkinson's Disease

Parkinson&rsquos disease is another answer to the question "Why do old people shake?" It is a lot less common than essential tremors, but the effects can be debilitating if left unchecked. Young people also risk contracting this condition through genetic inheritance.

  • The tremor starts when the affected body part is at rest.
  • Body is stiff with a posture that is stooped.
  • Walk with a shuffle.
  • Symptoms usually start on the hands before spreading to other parts of the body.
  • The disease occurs mainly in senior people aged 60 and above.

It is caused by degeneration and death of cells in a certain part of the brain.

The dopamine drug, Levodopa, is the preferred treatment for PD. Other treatments include drugs that increase dopamine in the brain.

6. Cerebellar Tremor

This tremor is associated with the cerebellum, that is, the part of the brain that is responsible for balance and coordination. Diseases that affect this part of the brain are responsible for cerebellar tremors and are among the reasons why old people shake. Most common causes are a brain injury, stroke, and multiple sclerosis. Others include alcoholism, inherited degenerative disorders, and overuse of certain drugs.

  • Symptoms are visible at the point of an end of a movement, for instance, holding a plate &ndash this is an intention tremor because it appears at the end of a movement.
  • A person will be unable to perform alternated movements rapidly. For instance, it will be difficult for a person to alternate between touching their ear and their nose.
  • There is difficulty in walking and maintaining balance.
  • Symptoms can be displayed on one side of the body that has been affected or both if both sides of the brain have been affected.

Other Reasons "Why Do Old People Shake?"

  • Orthostatic tremor - This is a tremor that occurs when a person stands. The balance is shaken and the legs become unsteady. This is treated by dopamine drugs.
  • Psychogenic tremor - It is caused by a psychological problem. It worsens when the patient is aware and pays attention to it, and the shakiness stops when a person&rsquos mind is on something else.

Serious Symptoms That Indicate a Life-Threatening Condition

Sometimes, tremors are warning signals for life-threatening situations call 911 immediately if you notice any of the following:

  • Breathing difficulties
  • Difficulty in speaking or slurred speech
  • Loss of conscience and disorientation
  • Loss of vision or blurred vision
  • Paralysis
  • Involuntary rolling of the eyes in rapid movement
  • Tremor in one side of the body
  • Weakness
  • Head injury
  • Loss of balance

Ask for help immediately when sudden tremors start in an older adult.

Some Ways to Help

Lifestyle changes are among the approaches that doctors recommend for individuals who are dealing with different kinds of tremors. Some ways to help include:


A typical overthinker doesn’t overthink about some things they overthink about just about everything. This means they will think very hard about how they come across to others. So, if you meet an overthinker, they are likely to identify themselves by apologizing for things that didn’t concern you, such as not being able to shake your hand because their own hands are full.

If this happens, don’t make a big deal out of it just shrug it off and continue on with the conversation. The best way to help an overthinker is to not let them get stuck on one thought.


How to Stop Shaking Your Legs

If other people's leg shaking bothers you, don't waste your time trying to get them to stop. Since leg shaking is a highly subconscious action, asking someone to stop is likely to cause them embarrassment or irritation. One exception might be a very close friend or a loved one who confides in you and explains they're trying their best to prevent it. In that case, feel free to pass on this information to them.

If your own leg shaking bothers you, there are a few solutions you can try. These actions require some simple foresight into situations where you might find yourself shaking your legs. They may also require some practice in maintaining your thoughts and emotions, which can prove easier than what you may think. Finally, it might go a long way to ask yourself a few uncomfortable questions about your own emotional state.

Change Your Posture

While our posture can say a lot about our thoughts and emotions, changing our body language can help us alternate those internal states. Folding your legs at the ankles or crossing one leg at a right angle across the opposite knee is a contained posture, similar to folding your hands in your lap. Holding this posture while breathing mindfully can help you regain some inner poise. Don't worry about breathing exercises when you're in public-just make sure you're breathing deeply, and not too quickly.

Try Something New

If you routinely find yourself shaking your legs because you're bored, search for new stimuli. Taking notes, doodling on a sheet of paper, or even writing a song/poem can be a fun pastime for some scenarios. In others, chewing a piece of gum or enjoying a mint can help take your mind off your boredom. There's a myriad of small fidget toys available you can play with under the table or unobtrusively in your hand that can help you stay calm and still. If you're really stuck, a good old thumb-twiddling session can help you release some of your energy without making things too obvious.

Address Your Emotions

If you shake your legs when you're anxious, ask yourself what you might be nervous about. What is it that makes you afraid? What's stressing you out the most right now? How do you act when you feel any of these emotions?

Once you've identified the triggers to your leg shaking, you can begin to train your body to act differently when they occur. Sometimes this can be difficult and time-consuming, but it is possible. The key is to plan and practice ahead of time in non-stressful situations. Follow the tips above, and eventually, you'll be able to gain more control over your leg movements when you face strenuous circumstances.

Make Sure You're Getting Enough Sleep

If you're not getting enough sleep at night, your body is going to naturally feel an overall decrease in energy and motivation. This can lead to frustration and anxiety, which can ultimately lead to leg shaking. Try getting an extra hour or two of sleep in your schedule and see how you feel afterward.

Identify a Possible Nicotine Withdrawal

Have you recently quit smoking tobacco? If so, you're statistically more prone to uncontrollable shaking, most notably in your legs. Of course, by no means should you pick up the habit again. Quitting is always the right choice. Just be aware of the fact that your leg shaking could very well be a common symptom of nicotine withdrawal. Give it time, and things will improve.

Yoga/Meditation

Relaxation techniques like yoga and meditation can help you prevent leg shaking by reducing stress and anxiety. Consider a brief 20-minute session to start your day off, and the results will speak for themselves.

BetterHelp Is Here for You

If shaking your legs is an uncontrollable habit interfering with your quality of life, it may be time to check in with your doctor. They can help you determine any underlying medical conditions that need to be addressed. Your doctor can also help you figure out whether seeing a therapist or counselor would be helpful.

Additionally, if your leg shaking seems to be caused by anxiety you cannot control, you can decide to see a therapist or counselor. The trained, licensed online counselors at BetterHelp can help you talk through your concerns and decide on any further steps to manage your anxiety and other emotions. What gets discussed between you and your counselor stays between the two of you. Everything is completely discreet and private. Consider the following reviews of BetterHelp counselors.

Counselor Reviews

" Gillian was very helpful in helping me work through my anxiety gave me a bunch of great tips and techniques to help manage stress."

" Ari has been great. I like his logical approach to things and he has been able to teach me tangible things I can use every day to manage my anxiety. He gives me the time to speak about what is bothering me and never passes any judgment. Instead, through his wisdom, he can show me different perspectives and approaches them with me very gently. I really appreciate this. I would highly recommend him to anyone ready to get the help they need."


Why Is It So Hard for Me to Stop After Just One Drink?

I&rsquove lived in New York for almost six years. Of those 2,190 nights, I&rsquove spent a good number of them going out. After all, why stay in when you could be out in the city that never sleeps&mdashmeeting new people, drinking on rooftops, dancing in clubs?

Most of the time, I can shake off the side effects with lots of water and a large coffee. I&rsquove never messed up in a major way&mdashno ruined relationships, no DUIs, no arrests. I don&rsquot drink a lot during the week. And I&rsquove only lost one phone!

We commiserate about how terrible we feel, we laugh it off, and then we do it again.

But I have lost credit cards and jackets and scarves. I&rsquove sent too many texts and made too many late-night calls I shouldn&rsquot have. I&rsquove had too many nights that started out shiny and full of promise, only to devolve into fights and tear-streaked cheeks.

I need to stop drinking so much, I say to myself those mornings after. My friends say the same thing, texting each other after a big night out. We commiserate about how terrible we feel, we laugh it off, and then we do it again. It&rsquos OK&mdashwe don&rsquot have a problem. We&rsquore in our twenties. We&rsquore just having fun.

Yet I can&rsquot shake the question: Haven&rsquot I had enough? Enough partying, enough drinking, enough late nights? The thought runs through my mind, but inevitably, after a few days pass, I&rsquom ready for more.

Haven&rsquot I had enough? I could ask myself on a date, when I say yes to a third round of cocktails over a conversation that&rsquos run its course. But maybe he&rsquos just loosening up. Sure, I&rsquoll have another.

Haven&rsquot I had enough? I could ask myself at a bar on a Friday night, when a friend offers me a shot at midnight. But she&rsquos moving soon, and it&rsquos her last weekend in town. How can I say no?

Haven&rsquot I had enough? I could ask myself at a wedding, when I go for a fifth glass of wine. Hey, it&rsquos an open bar. Here&rsquos to the happy couple!

Why Enough Isn&rsquot Ever Enough

With alcohol, it&rsquos just too easy to have more, especially when you like the way rosé tastes on a warm summer night. Plus having one or two drinks makes you feel great! It&rsquos science: Alcohol triggers the release of endorphins, those feel-good chemicals in your brain. Alcohol consumption induces endogenous opioid release in the human orbitofrontal cortex and nucleus accumbens. Mitchell JM, O&rsquoNeil JP, Janabi M. Science translational medicine, 2012, Sep.4(116):1946-6242. At first, it acts as a stimulant. You feel giddy, excited, ecstatic even.

But your return on investment drops after those first couple of drinks. Your senses start to dull as alcohol&rsquos sedative effects kick in. Your inhibitions lower. You become more impulsive. That third&mdashor fifth&mdashdrink start to sound grand, no matter what &ldquolimit&rdquo you told yourself before you started drinking. Why stick to two drinks? You only live once.

That&rsquos just it, though. You only live once. The clichéd phrase means much more to me now at age 27 than when I was in college or my early twenties. I know people who have been through health scares and illnesses and accidents. I have known and loved people who have passed away&mdashsadly, sometimes in incidents involving alcohol. And it&rsquos not like I don&rsquot know about the effects of alcohol on your body&mdashI&rsquom an editor at a health and wellness website, after all.

Over the Limit

So the question remains: Why is it so hard to stick to one or two drinks when I go out? I honestly don&rsquot know. I don&rsquot think any of my friends know either, judging by the repetitive &ldquoI&rsquom never drinking again&rdquo texts we all send most weekend mornings.

It&rsquos not like I can&rsquot ever stop myself. Plenty of nights I don&rsquot drink at all or happily stick to one glass of wine. I even gave up drinking for a month in January (and wrote about it). Plus moderation is an easy enough concept for me when it comes to food and exercise&mdashI don&rsquot tend toward extremes in either.

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It&rsquos tempting to point my finger at New York City itself, where I could hit up happy hour every day if I wanted to and bars don&rsquot close until 4 a.m. But I can&rsquot blame my environment. I&rsquom the one who&rsquos picking up the glass and bringing it to my lips.

I could point to the fact that alcohol has been shown to be addictive. Or to my general sense of anxiety or uneasiness that flares up in some social situations. Alcohol helps alleviate those anxious feelings, at least for the time being. It makes me feel like I made the right choice. It makes me into a cooler, funnier, friendlier version of myself. Until I&rsquom not.

I want to start living with eyes wide open, not halfway closed after two vodka sodas too many.

I may not be able to pinpoint what occasionally pushes me past my limit. But I do know that I want to start living with eyes wide open, not halfway closed after two vodka sodas too many. I don&rsquot want the fun to end, but I do want to remember it&mdashall the fleeting nights and sunny summer days I spend in this city that&rsquos become my home. I want to stay ahead of my tendency to drink too much, before I suffer more serious consequences than a forgotten credit card or jacket at the bar.

I may take this back next Friday night, but for now, I think I&rsquove finally had enough.


How to encourage mask wearing

Just as psychology can help explain why people may reject masks, it can also offer guidance on how to get people to accept them. A variety of techniques from social psychology can be used to persuade people to comply with health advice such as mask wearing, social distancing and self-isolating.

One key persuasion method is portraying consensus. When you show people that an attitude is shared (or not) by others, they are more likely to adopt it. Seeing someone wearing a mask makes it more likely that others will do the same. Persuasion strategies could therefore focus on making sure that people perceive mask wearing as widespread – perhaps by depicting it frequently in the media or by making it mandatory in certain places.

We also know from previous studies that people are more likely to comply with public health guidelines if they are clear, precise, simple and consistent – and if they trust the source from which they come.

But the effectiveness of these sorts of “one-size-fits-all” approaches to persuasion and behavioural change are likely to be limited. Initial findings in the area of personalised persuasion suggest it might be more effective to try bespoke approaches for people, based on combinations of their key characteristics (their “psychographic profiles”).

For example, in a recent piece of non-COVID research we identified three main personality profiles. Those who are more shy, socially inhibited and anxious tend to report being more likely to be persuaded by those in authority, whereas those who are more self-oriented and manipulative tend to feel the opposite they report being less likely to be influenced by authority figures.

The threat of large fines for not complying with public health measures probably won’t influence everyone. Yau Ming Low/Shutterstock

Moreover, those in the third group – who are agreeable, extroverted and conscientious – report being more likely to be persuaded to do something if it is consistent with what they have done before, and less likely if it requires them to change their position. This means if they have decided in the past that wearing masks is a bad thing, they’re more likely to resist any subsequent efforts to make them wear one.

A recent article concluded that shouting at people to wear masks won’t help, and this research into personalised persuasion backs this up. Only those in the shy and anxious group would be likely to respond well to such a direct and heavy-handed tactic. A far better strategy would be to try an empathetic approach that seeks to understand the varying motivations of different groups of people – including whether there is psychological reactance at play – and then tailor messages to individuals accordingly.


Trust Issues: Psychology and Common Beliefs

A person with trust issues may harbor negative beliefs about trust and may find themselves thinking limiting thoughts, such as:

“I can never let my guard down.”
“If I open up I will only get hurt again.”
“Everybody is out to get me.”

A person with these kinds of thoughts may construct social barriers as a defense mechanism to ensure that trust is not lost again. These barriers are often a person’s way of avoiding the pain, rejection, or guilt associated with mistrust.


Extreme agony

Felicity, 49, from London, is six weeks into her recovery after first falling ill with Covid-type symptoms.

But like David, her experience has been far from smooth.

"I think the hardest part was having gone through the first 10 days of being very sick and thinking I was getting better, things then getting much, much worse again.

"So it was actually in the fifth week of being ill that my partner had to call A&E because I was experiencing such horrific abdominal pains that I was just calling out in just extreme agony.

"It's so difficult to know, is that the work of the virus? Is it the immune system's response? Is it ongoing inflammation?

"I had no problems in my stomach before falling sick, but week five was just horrendous."

Neither Felicity nor David has been tested for Covid-19, but both were told by doctors they probably had the virus.

They have also been assured they are no longer infectious.

But Felicity struggled to shake off her symptoms and the weeks of illness have taken their toll.

"I spend a huge amount of time in bed trying to recover.

"This entire experience, of being sick and trying to recover, has been mentally overwhelming."


Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them

We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.

Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.

Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.

There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:

They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.

They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?

Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.

They’ll manipulate.

If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’

You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.

They won’t own their feelings.

Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’

You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.

They’ll make you prove yourself to them.

They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.

[irp posts=�″ name=”Toxic People: 16 Practical, Powerful Ways to Deal With Them”]

They never apologise.

They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.

People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.

They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.

They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.

They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.

They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.

They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.

The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.

They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.

When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.

They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.

You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.

[irp posts=�″ name=”When Someone You Love is Toxic: How to Let Go of Toxic People, Without Guilt”]

They exaggerate.

‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.

They are judgemental.

We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.

Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.

Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.

2,023 Comments

Great article! I am looking for a title or name of the behavior for what my husband does to me. I will occasionally point out small things that he doesn’t do and he will come back and say in response things like “I’m a lazy piece of sh*t” or something along those lines. This is a guy who works 60+ hours a week. An recent example, he left large boxes in the garage that block the pathway to the house door, that should have gone outside to be recycled. When I pointed this out he called himself the “lazy sh*t” line. I can’t do EVERYTHING around the house. There must be a word for this behavior. I feel that calling him out on the behavior using the correct term may help him stop using this tactic. I don’t understand why he just can’t say something like “whoops I forgot!” Any help is greatly appreciated.

My comment relates to a friendship. My friend has been an extremely good friend in many ways, and I never forget these things. This is someone I have called a best friend. She got into exercise, getting herself into shape, delved into cycling, and now, this takes up the majority of her time. I no longer see her, we scarcely communicate. I have told myself to just give it space, treat it as though I am living in another country when the contact was less, but the friendship strong. If this is what she wants to be doing, I want to try to just be happy for her and whatever she chooses to do. I realize that I am resentful however. I have brought up the topic and she has said, yes she spends lots of time with these other people, but they aren’t really personal friendships like what we’ve had- where we really know a lot of each others’ depths. I feel like the healthiest thing for me to do is just step away and wish well. Maybe she will resurface with time, but having aired my sentiments, I am really not interested in repeating myself.

Its been my experience that if she’s really your friend, she will come back after she misses your friendship and realizes its value. Just be patient and get on with your life. Its likely she’ll be your best friend again after some time away. She’s just having some new adventures. Maybe you can take up cycling too. Sometimes when people make some changes to their lives, they want to be around others that share their interests.

I’d definitely give her space since you’ve already told her your feelings. She may change her interests and start up the closeness again. I have 2 friends from middle school who I would barely converse with for years at a time due to “life” getting in the way. But when our lives converge again, we pick up right where we left off!

Is there any way to make these people realize how toxic they really are that’s it’s them. Maybe by questions some kind of quiz to make them realize I know they already don’t have no common sense it has to be some way

If you have someone in your life you think is toxic, talk to her / him about it and air your opinion. Even if it makes no real difference in the short run, I guarantee they will think about your comments and it might help them to take a good look at themselves. If you don’t speak up and no one else speaks up, they will never know because we often behave in ways that we are not aware are having a bad effect on others around us. No one is capable of seeing themselves the way others do. Communication is essential and often more helpful than you might expect.

My husband does the same…he calls and messages people throughout the day and blatantly ignores me and puts me last. We have only been married less than 4 months. I’ve expressed my feelings and concern but he continues to disregard me. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions…anyone.

File the papers, and move on with your life. Don’t be me and carry on for years. If it’s already this bad (in your words) it won’t get any better. Don’t look for reasons to convince yourself how it can or is improving. Cut your losses before it gets messier. Forget about how much the wedding cost, whether it was that much or not.

Ooooh. My husband has done this many times but we have been married for 16 years. Not saying that’s an excuse but at 4 months that’s very concerning. I’m sure this didn’t just pop up in the last 4 months. Why did you marry him if he was doing this when you were dating?

I just found this. I was looking for “why does my boyfriend get angry when I ask him what’s wrong when he says no he’s not okay”
I’ll notice he’s quiet, ask if he’s okay and he will say “no not really”. I ask what’s going on and he says I’ll tell you later.. later comes, says it’s sorted so doesn’t need to tell me.
He ghosts me for literally days and leaves me wondering if we are done, if he’s hurt.. I just don’t know.
I’ve had one nervous breakdown and right now contemplating things… So much is hurting me yet he gives mixed signals i just don’t understand. I’ve all about given up.. we have a 12 to child I have been thinking about too..

Honestly it feels that in society we’ve made way for so much toxic narcissistic and sociopathic behavior and it’s difficult to avoid. Later in life I discovered my mother is a narcissist and I was sort of molded to be a target for such. Making true friends is so difficult that most days I just completely avoid trying. My oldest friends were fairly toxic in their own ways. A commonality I’ve seen across 90% of “friendships” (or even just acquaintances) is people being superficial.

They will go out of their way to fake that they want to spend time with you, they want to stay in contact but they don’t unless you are willing to give in 100% to what they want to do even if it’s unhealthy behavior or just too demanding. Sometimes people just seem to make plans to cancel repeatedly I think this is to feel better about themselves/entertain themselves at your expense.

Growing up I over-shared for certain and easily grew attached to people that seemed to care. Which is why I’m frustrated that as an adult I try to “keep my cool” and make it apparent that I am interested in getting to know people but not in a way that pushes any boundaries. I don’t know how many people have felt I don’t care or how many people just are insincere/ change their minds more flippantly than I do. Because people aren’t honest.

I’m grateful I have a good marriage and a lot of their family has become mine so I don’t have to feel completely isolated but I’d love to have friends of my own (beyond occasional basic small talk). Having children we walk a thin line avoiding toxic personalities and trying to reach out for our kid’s sakes but unfortunately most people seem to suck or think we do! LOL

My current boyfriend of 6 years has all the characteristics mentioned above. I don’t know what to do anymore. Sucks to let someone into your life like this.
I have tried so hard to grow over time and stopped some hurtful behaviors cause that’s not good for either of us or the relationship, but I feel like he never learns.
This guy had the audacity to say “it’s either your university or me” at some point (to wich I ofc chose uni) and then he came back saying he didn’t want to make me choose but it was on me for not paying attention to him (yeah, I know, it’s on me for staying with him).
Point is, as soon as you see the first sign, run. It’s hard to get away from something like that when years pass.

Cut all ties with him block all requests from social media cut him out totally your health and wellbeing is so much more than one bad pennie

Hey, sorry you feel like that. No one should. Remember, you are your own person and can do anything you want

Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Since he can’t seem to make his partner a priority in his life, why should you continue making your partner one in yours? Own your worth. Make a plan. Leave. It will likely not be amicable. That’s ok. what’s that wise quote… “we accept the love we think we deserve.” Is this what you deserve? No. Move on. You can do it. There are A LOT of Cheerios in the bowl my darling.

I have a male friend since 5 years , who is sometimes very nice, helps me most of the time i ask, but he never msgs me first. I am always the first one to msg even if 6 months pass by. Sometimes doesn’t reply to my msgs. He says i am really special to him, whenever we talk over phone once a while, but i do feel a lot anxious why is it he never msg first. I have talked about this issue and he says he is committed to too much work. Should i just leave the relationship and move on or carry on the same way. I dont understand what exactly is in his mind.

just move on. he is not the only one working in the world. you also may be busy in your life but you still find time to talk to him. so forget it. it seems like you are the carrier of the ship. it doesn’t matter anymore.

My advice is to not be so available to him. Don’t chase him or his attention. Let him come to you, even if it takes months or longer. Make him come after you. If he doesn’t, then he’s not Mr. Right. There are millions of single men in this country. Don’t settle for one who does not value you as you should be values.

Hi, I have been looking for a blog/place to share my thought about how I feel. I have been engaged for 3 years now and the family of my partner doesnt seem to appreaciate me. Their presence causes me a lot of anxiety, i really avoid seeing them. His father is very condescendant and his mother very vulnerable and under her husband commands. They do not share the same values as me and my partner but they are still his parents. They are very cold with me and very passive aggressive. Sometimes the husband is aggressive to my partner’s wife in front of us… and no one adresses the elephant in the room. me and my partner have a healthy relationship and the only cause of conflits is: his parents/family (just adressing the topic can cause a conflit between us). I can’t stand them and refuse to deal with them… recently blocked them all off facebook because they would comment posts where I would talk my partner for an inside joke by stating that we have too expensive taste for example, or non-reasonable choices etc.) sorry i needed to vent.. it is very sad… we are both 2 professionals and have a good “status” let’s call it this way.. and I feel his parents thing im worth nothing for my partner. I need advice on to how not get affected by them.. sometimes just when I see that my partner is texting his parents I have anxiety… i just want to be able to live without acknowlodging them…

I myself have put up and try to make something out of the relationship I have had with a girl. At first I saw myself through her and I wanted to change and become better. Firstly I would use words or actions same as her but when I saw her doing the same, this Brought light to myself. Over time the relation hung on only cause I hoped that one day she would to make a change. This past year she lost her apartment and I allowed her to move in despite my reservations. During covid we spent a lot of time but she was starting to take more and more and didn’t contribute to the household. Everything became my fault, all bills was on me and she was always broke. Turns out she was abusing drugs and this past week everything has come to the end. I am sadden but happy to move on and not live like this , oh I never ever got a birthday gift or holiday gift from her. My word of advice is to stay far away from people like this. I kinda knew what she was about but I thought I was the one to help her become a better person. This is where I went wrong!!

So i have been making more time for myself in my relationship and my boyfriend is upset, his exact words were “you decide to change your routine for some reason, you don’t speak to me about it so now i have decide not to let it bother me anymore…you do you hun”, mind you i have been telling him that i dont see how spending four hours after work watching him work is productive. so i just go home and exercise or nap, or spend time with my family… i know i should know but i dont know if he is right for me, more than once i feel like he manipulates, plays the victim. i need help

same tho I have a group of friends and one of them is kinda rude and toxic and yea just u know but yea they are rude

(all of this is complicated, so please bare with me):

My best friend of nearly 6 years, and I are both recovering from a mistake I made LAST YEAR. (Not yet a year ago, but pretty close). Last year, I got a boyfriend (I am gay), and ditched my best friend for my boyfriend. I would make plans with my best friend and cancel or even just plainly forget about those plans. I started dating my ex boyfriend December of 2019 into 2020. I made plans with my best friend way back November 2019 to spend New Years together, but I forgot and ended up spending $200 for a romantic plan for my ex and ditched my best friend New Years. I did a lot of things that I am not proud of, but eventually I began to attempt to fix my mistakes and make a mends.

It has been over a year, my ex and I broke up, my best friend and I moved out of my parents house and are living with her mother in a different state. We made a new life with new friends together at the same job and everything. For the past year I have made a commitment to proving myself worthy of her trust again and fixing our relationship. She almost cut me out of her life while I was with my ex, multiple times, and I don’t blame her.

The issue at hand is, I’ve tried to fix everything, and I’ve tried proving myself trustworthy. But I have yet to date again since that incident. And that is the thing, I do change how I act and who I am when I am in a relationship, usually… but I know for a fact, since everything that happened, I would not change myself again and I would have my priorities straight if I began to date again.

Both my best friend and I are worried about me dating again, and truth be told, while my best friend said she’d be happy for me if I did start dating, she’s not ready to trust me being in a relationship yet, and she also said that she’d never let me change anything to suit her wants and needs, because she isn’t toxic in that way, but she has said that she, deep down, doesn’t want me dating… but only because she’s afraid to lose me again.

Two – three weeks ago, I started talking to someone (not to date, originally just to meet a new friend, but I ended up liking them) and I was extremely afraid to tell my best friend about them because I wouldn’t know how they’d react, and I was afraid of me losing everything that I had tried to fix because of me talking to someone. So, she had a feeling that I was talking to someone, and asked me about it, and I was so scared of her reaction, that I lied to her face for a whole week, saying I wasn’t talking to anyone… she found out, I forget how, but she did, and she was angry with me and extremely hurt, because that’s actually how I began dating my ex as well. I hid stuff from her back in December as well… and there were a lot of similarities between December and this past recent time. We argued, and this didn’t help my redemption plan… I was eventually going to tell her, but it didn’t help me in the long run. I ended up breaking things apart between me and this new guy because if I was going to date, I was going to go by doing it the right way… now, I am currently single still, for over a year.

Recently, some feelings have been brought up and realized that she’d hadn’t realized before, and now we are awkward when around each other… again. We are slowly getting out of that awkwardness. But she had told me (after asking myself) if I was on thin ice with her still from December, and she said yes, and that in the odd chance I start dating again, she is preparing herself to cut me out of her life…

To hear those words come from her mouth, it hurt me more than most things in my life have ever hurt me. I’d never admit that to her, but it did. I understand why she feels that way too. But the thing is, is that, if that is how she feels, then I don’t know why I am even still apart of her life in the first place. I want to be apart of her life, but if that is how she feels, then she really doesn’t seem to think we are even remotely close to being best friends anymore, let alone the siblings that we call each other. That also means that the hard work that I have been working on in the past year for redeeming myself, didn’t mean a single thing. It was pointless.

I had asked her at the end of that argument, that if I started dating again and was able to prove that I can be trusted and that I know my priorities and all that, then would that help us become stronger again. She said it was possible, but in order to prove to her that she can trust me, she needed to open up a little trust to me, which she doesn’t want to, nor is ready to do.

So until she is ready, I don’t feel like I can start dating… and I told her that, she told me in reply that I can start dating, but she can’t promise me that she’d be able to start trusting me enough for me to prove anything yet because she’s not ready to. She said “I’d force her hand” to trust me a little, which didn’t sound reassuring.

I know she means well, but I am really bothered and hurt by all of this. Some information on my best friend:

She is dating my other best friend, who I also work with. He is great. Both of them together are a power couple. She’s happy as can be with him, and because of her lack of trust in me, she is also happier with him (which is understandable because you’re naturally going to be happier with someone new because it is exciting.. fine.) I’d be a hypocrite for not understanding that. But, they are happy together, she doesn’t have a lot of time to spend with him, me, or her mother, and has little to no time to herself, so splitting time evenly is difficult. Well, we were suppose to hangout just her and I this past Saturday, which didn’t happen. We just spent the entire day in separate rooms of the house. But, usually the three of us are hanging out, or it is just me and my guy-friend, or it is my guy-friend and my best friend.

When it is the three of us (almost all of the time) it hurts me to be around them because my best friend never did anything wrong to me to make me hate her being with someone, but here I am feeling hurt because she’s able to have a perfect relationship and I am here feeling so guilty from December that even with her full trust and happiness, I wouldn’t be able to date again because I’d have PTSD from it. (I have undiagnosed ptsd, but I have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar depression). Anyway, so I am hurting because I really want to date, and I want my best friend and I to finally be in a great place and for us to be on the same mental page of our friendship status together. Neither of which seems possible anymore. And I am breaking so bad, and the only person that I know i can talk to, is the problem… so I feel stuck. I can’t talk to anyone, nobody can help me, nobody will help me, even online… and I don’t really know what to do.

I’d never cut her out of my life. EVER. I don’t care how bad things get between us, I’d never actually leave her. But she would. Everyone would leave me, they always have.

I just want to date someone and feel that romantic love that everyone around me gets to feel. My co-workers, my only two friends, my best friend’s mother, everyone I know is in a relationship… and it hurts knowing that it is going to be impossible to date again without being in a worse, untrusting place with my best friend… and it hurts so bad I’ve actually been suicidal a lot more frequently than normal.

Part of me finds it fair, because I hurt her so bad with my ex… (I have left a few things out to keep the story shorter than it could be) but even to my standard they were such bad things, I hate myself for it every day. — But another part of me also finds it unfair because, while I am really happy with my best friend and everyone I have, and i am extremely grateful to have them in my life (which was one of the problems with my ex), I really want the love and affection that everyone else gets to have with their romantic partner… its not like I’d have that kind of affection with a friend or best friend, that is just weird… and… well, nuff said… but you get what I mean… It hurts a lot. A lot more than I have opened myself up to feeling and thinking about. I don’t know what to do… I need to talk to someone about it, and I need advice… I’ve asked my best friend and her mother and just about everyone I know what I can do… and none of their answers were remotely helpful because it just contradicted what everyone else said and the truth of the matter is… I don’t think there IS any coming back from December’s mistake…

Oh my. I feel bad for you. I don’t know when you posted this. But I hope things work out. I mean sitting down and talking to her could be a start. But your happiness is important. But you don’t ever want to leave your friend. She could cut you out of her life but you wouldn’t do the same. No matter what happen. I don’t know exactly what you did but if it was horrible. I would focus on trying to make the relationship between yall stronger. And if you ever wanted to start talking to someone sit down and tell her that you are interested in someone, instead of hiding the fact because that is never good. That would just break the trust between yall more. But if it is putting a strain on you it might be best to end the friendship. It would be very hard and painful. But I say give it another shot. You truly love her I know. So keep trying. I’m unsure if your religious but if you are pray about it. No one could really give you the right advice. Its up to you. And please don’t harm yourself. I don’t even know you but please for my sake don’t do it. You have people that love you and need you even when you don’t see it. You matter. -A friend

My husband has been watching porn lately and has been doing it for months hiding it and lying about it. I finally had a talk with him about it or tried to atleast and he kept lying acting confused as if he didn’t know what I was talking about when I had the evidence right in front of me. He made it seem like I was lying to him. Then after lying over and over he said ok maybe a long time ago I watched porn then more and more lies then it got down to maybe last week then maybe two weeks ago. Anyways I don’t even know anymore I can’t trust him. Then I told him to leave because he didn’t seem to even care. And he kept saying he told me the truth when he did not he lied to me. Not once but over and over. And the thing is I was gonna try and help him with his addiction or whatever I wasn’t yelling or being rude. He was and making me feel worthless like I couldn’t do nothing. Anyways back to my point he then started to change the subject bringing up something I had done, nothing to do with porn or anything sexual, just something that happened in our apartment. So then I was like we are talking about you and your porn. And he was all like well what about you? You do stuff too why are the fingers always pointed at me?? Let me put it this way I am so loyal to my husband I’ve done everything he’s asked of me without question. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Is this him being toxic and how can I somehow tell him how he’s being towards me. Because he just doesn’t seem to care and is trying to point fingers at me now.

Well the lying isn’t good, but he probably felt embarrassed. Porn is a fairly normal thing for adults to look at. For me, it gives me a safe space to fly my freak flag . But it’s my space, it’s private.
On its own it seems like a small reason to kick him out, but for you it could be the last straw, and besides, everyone has their own set of morals and maybe porn is on your ‘Red’ list if you catch my meaning.
I am always for people trying to work issues out, but without knowing you it’s hard to advise.
I hope you guys come to an accord one way or the other, marriage is a big deal, but if it’s not right then it’s better to divorce than stay miserable for years.

Can I just ask you is it the fact he watches porn that bothers you? Or the fact he is lying about watching it?

I grew up with both parents being physically and mentally unstable, this wasn’t “toxic”. My parents did the very best they could but also displayed ALL of these characteristics, I had to attempt to navigate this with little to no help, support or resources and found very quickly this was impossible on my own. I now engage in these familiar behaviours and a huge part of that is my BPD, I experienced A LOT of trauma, I couldn’t register how to treat people in all of that and as a twenty five year old I still struggle to find and keep jobs and maintain relationships. This is a negative and maybe “toxic” cycle, but it’s the only thing I know and I’m getting all the professional help I can but I still feel like everyday is a uphill battle. It’s been 11 years of talking therapy and I still feel worthless! But I WILL keep trying to change my mindset but things like this make me think not only am I wrong for being and thinking the way I do (which although very true), makes my recovery so much harder, I know my parents didn’t set out in life to hurt anyone, they just didn’t know any better after all of there traumas, and neither do I, but please don’t label us as toxic. We’re just living with invisible illnesses. I hope anyone that relates to this is ok.. We are not bad people trying to be good, we are sick people trying to get better.

all you can do is try. at least you know that you have a problem. Keep trying and you will find an answer. Good luck.

So i was in this one relationship just the other day but i left him. He stopped talking to me all of a sudden because i stopped showing him my body, he said that he was always busy with video games and Anime, but i think he was mad that i stopped showing him my body. I believe that it was toxic, but i´m not quit sure, could you help me clarify?


What To Do If You Can’t Cry

Koenig and Wright advise going to a therapist if your inability to cry is stressing you out even more. "There are often complex reasons why someone might experience an inability to cry, and it behooves anyone who is experiencing this to first get an exam from their primary care physician to rule out any underlying physiological causes," Wright tells Bustle.

If you or someone you know is seeking help for mental health concerns, visit the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) website, or call 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). For confidential treatment referrals, visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, or call the National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP(4357). In an emergency, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or call 911.

Bylsma, L. M., Gračanin, A., & Vingerhoets, A. (2019). The neurobiology of human crying. Clinical autonomic research : official journal of the Clinical Autonomic Research Society, 29(1), 63–73. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10286-018-0526-y

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Gračanin, A., Bylsma, L. M., & Vingerhoets, A. J. (2014). Is crying a self-soothing behavior?. Frontiers in psychology, 5, 502. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00502

Rottenberg, J., Gross, J. J., Wilhelm, F. H., Najmi, S., & Gotlib, I. H. (2002). Crying threshold and intensity in major depressive disorder. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 111(2), 302–312. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.111.2.302

Sharman, L. S., Dingle, G. A., Baker, M., Fischer, A., Gračanin, A., Kardum, I., Manley, H., Manokara, K., Pattara-Angkoon, S., Vingerhoets, A., & Vanman, E. J. (2019). The Relationship of Gender Roles and Beliefs to Crying in an International Sample. Frontiers in psychology, 10, 2288. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02288

Vingerhoets, A., & Bylsma, L. M. (2016). The Riddle of Human Emotional Crying: A Challenge for Emotion Researchers. Emotion review : journal of the International Society for Research on Emotion, 8(3), 207–217. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073915586226

Vogel, D. L., Heimerdinger-Edwards, S. R., Hammer, J. H., & Hubbard, A. (2011). “Boys don't cry”: Examination of the links between endorsement of masculine norms, self-stigma, and help-seeking attitudes for men from diverse backgrounds. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 58(3), 368–382.


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